The Holiday

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

Yes, this is indeed a chick flick. The Holiday stars Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jack Black and Jude Law. Kate and Cameron play heart broken women who do a house exchange over the Christmas holiday, Diaz to forget her cheating ex she had just broken up with (by punching him in the face) and Winslet to forget the coworker she loved for three years (who also sheated on her while they were together). I'm going to leave my review here, because if I tell you anymore you basically wouldn't have to watch the movie, its predictable, but I still really enjoyed it. Its a cute story with a happy ending for everyone.

Eh

Looks like things with the readhead were just like I thought, he likes someone else. Its all good. However the frequency of this sort of thing is really annoying.
Anyway, I went to Folklife today, it was awesome. There is the constant backdrop of drums, guitar, bellydancing bells, and voices yelling and laughing over the din. Then there's all the venders selling food and clothes and trinkets. The 10+ stages which constantly have music playing andthen all of the street artists busking in the park. Plus the fountain to run in, dancing lessons, giant bubbles, and just the upbeatness of the place. I love it.

Stuff

Lots of stuff has happened lately, but I've decided not to worry anymore. I'm not going to stress over boy stuff. I'm over my ex and I'm letting him get over me. My best friend and I have t learn how to be only that without him freaking out.

I've got a guy I'm interested in but I'm not going to go out of my way to try and find a date. If he likes me back, which he might but its kind of confuzzling, we'll see where this goes. But I'm not going to flip out over it. I've "got to move like a jellyfish, rythem is nothing, you go with the flow you don't stop".

...

It is passed 4 in the a.m. and I am home alone. I hate being home alone. I cannot sleep, this house is way too creepy and our dogs keep me up. I have to be up in like 4 hours so i can clean up the soda cans and popcorn from the mini party tonight before my dad comes home. Good movie though, we watched Dodgeball. I think I will try one more time to sleep before throwing in the towel and watching The Holiday again.

Murderer

So...tonight was weird...I mean, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good.
I ran over, and killed a raccoon today. I almost threw-up. I was stuck somewhere between hysteria and tears. Elysha kept laughing at me. It was upsetting to say the least. I murdered a raccoon. They are my second favorite animal.
Also, I'm afraid I might have lost another best friend to awkward circumstances out of my control. This is also very upsetting.
That's all I have to say tonight. Thank you.

Masochism

Humans are innately masochistic. My best example is this; when there is something stuck in your eye, why do you feel the need to stick your finger in there too? I mean you've got something microscopic in there that hurts like a b*tch, so you shove something a thousand times bigger in there and expect it to get better? Its like shoving salt in an open wound. The sad thing is that people do the same thing after breakups and unrequited love. You keep looking at their myspace or their facebook or whatever, you listen to sad songs that remind you of them or you read the bulletins and surveys posted by them or the people you know they like to see what they are saying. And the sad thing is, even though it hurts to se what is said, we keep doing it. We go back day after day to see what else is there, what new thing has been said. Its a depressing truth. People thrive off of pain.

"But at least when your at your worst
You know how to feel then"- 'Right as Rain' by Adele

Mother's day with someone else's mom

So today was mother's day and my mom was out of the country. My dad went to his friend's house so I was going to be home alone. When our stage manager found that out she asked me to have mother's day dinner at their house, which was cool, I love Lori and her family is fun. Here's the problem; I like her son and he knows it, but he likes someone else.
This made tonight really weird, it was me Ike and Kelsey and Lori for most of the night, Isaac's brother Jake and his girlfriend were their for dinner but left shortly after. I keep trying to just be friends with Isaac, but obviously, that's hard. At the end of the night it was just us three kids downstairs listening to music and Ike and I were on the floor looking through his iPod (it was hooked up to the sound system under the T.V.) and I accidentally bumped his head with mine, he made a snarky comment and jokingly I asked if I should kiss it better. I really didn't mean anything from it, but I think he was uncomfortable with that.
This is why I never used to tell guys how I felt; they never liked me back and it ALWAYS makes things awkward, even when they promise it wont. Anyways, tonight was mostly good, I just wish things weren't wierd between me and Isaac, he's one of my closer friends.

Nightmares

I hate them. Mostly because they keep me from getting whatever little sleep I get. I mean, I don't sleep well, I'm bad at it or something I just don't get restful sleep. And I don't usually dream because of that. Which I'm ok with; I don't need to be trying to decipher cryptic messages from my subconscious. Lately I've been dreaming. in the past about 4 days I think its been I've had one dream and one nightmare. The dream was short, what I can remember of it anyway, and it was something my annoying little brain could have kept to itself. Basically a bunch of people from choir/theater were out duning but we were all in one person carts. Anyways, we all got out and we were going to go to this little house restauraunt thing but we had to cross this little bridge thing because there was like a river or something. Anyway, me and the guy I like were the last of the kids to cross the bridge, T was talking to the guy we rented the carts from and everyone else was already in the house cabin thing. As soon as we got to the other side of the bridge he leans over and kisses me for like 10 seconds. Thats all I remember.
My nightmare was not violent or gorey, which is typical of my nightmares. I have the feeling that it had to do with Ike, when i woke up I had that tight little urning jealousy monster right behind my breast bone again. All I know is I was terrified when I woke up and I had a ghost image still in my vision when I woke up. Evidently the last thing I saw in this nightmare was Rook screaming in my face with, to use the cliche, needle sharp teeth.
Before I got home last night after I droped everyone off I was panicking a little in my car because I thought I saw someone in my backseat but there was noone there. I'm starting to wonder if the nightmare was a warning, but supposedly Rook doesn't leave the theater. I dunno.

Counting Friends on One Hand

So it figures I can count on one hand my close friends. I'm extremely bored and I wanted to go out and do something with some friends so I decided to send out a text inviting people to come see a movie at the two dollar theater with me, but I got to about 7 people and had to stop and delete a few because they were at work. Then I added a few not so close friends and got to 10 total. Out of those 10, 3 replied; 2 couldn't or didn't want to go, and one was not sure if he could. There is now approximately 1 hour before the movie and I still have no one to go see it with. Blargh.

The Rules of "It's Over" (Break up Rant)

I really hate break ups; watching friends going through them or going through them myself. Inevitably someone ends up acting like a supreme a**hole. I am on day two of a break up. I have tried to be nice, tried to be civil when nice failed, and all I've gotten is a text inbox full of how horrible I was. How I never gave him enough time, how I made him feel stupid and treated him poorly. I guess I was wrong when I thought I was trying hard to be a good girlfriend. Maybe I was just not good enough. Basically I'm to the point where either I cry, sleep, or just generally feel like sh*t. I also am at the point where i really don't feel like ever trying to date ever again, and/or like I will never be able to get or keep a decent boyfriend because I am, evidently, a horrible girlfriend. It makes me really upset that he feels the need to sit there and make me feel bad. He says there's a lot of stuff he hasn't forgiven me for. Two years of my life that I wasted, and I forgave him. It just wasn't healthy for either of us. I don't know. I just feel like crap and really needed to vent. I'm tired of crying.